Recovery Cults?

We are now halfway through the first *reporting* month of our bankruptcy.  My relief is greater than I expected, though not as great as I have been told to expect.  One creditor in particular continues to call me stating it is not their responsibility to contact my estate administrator, it is mine to send them the papers (Wrong - the estate administrator has to send them legal papers for them to file their claim....but anyways...).  Another creditor specifically stated they don't believe I'm in bankruptcy and maintain that I am just trying to get out of paying them.  The third creditor, to which I owe security, insists they have the right to come to my house and collect the security without requiring any contact with the administrator (again wrong).

**sigh**

So the ringer-off function is still my best friend until the administrator has completed the legal paperwork.

In the meantime, my wonderful husband (jury is out on whether that is meant sarcastically) is having no problems with his creditors.  It figures.  There has been one major repercussion with respect to his experience of this whole thing.....

...he has returned to his periodic drinking binges (long story - nutshell version is that he has not done this in almost 2 years) and it has progressed a notch.  Rather than just unwittingly *ending up* drinking with his friend (singular), he now plots it out enough ahead of time to lie about his destination right from the beginning and get the *friend* to randomly call me looking for him, while the whole time he is there drinking with him.  The returning home and passing out in his supper plate in front of the kids (7,9,12) has not changed.  Nor has the sheepish "I know I screwed up" face I get the next day, along with the meek, barely audible "'m srrry" that no longer carries any weight.

So last week, for the first time ever, I went to Alanon.  Not bad ... sort of.  Very small group and I will honour all that "what is said here stays here" stuff - with the exception of my perspective on the way their program has been explained to me ... which is all available  in the abundance of literature I left the meeting with.  Armloads, even.  First off, I did agree to give it 6 weeks before deciding.  Hopefully I am intelligent enough to decipher that fine line where brainwashing begins before I get hooked.

That said, there were some very -  interesting  - concepts that I am contemplating.

• I am impressed and anxious to get to the boundary setting.  I know I do this now, but likely not very consistently.  

• I am intrigued by the idea that I might have a chance to live a *normal* life while my husband sits drooling with his face plastered in a lasagna dish at my dinner table in front of my children, and be able to carry on as though nothing is wrong and my children are not in any sort of emotional/psychological danger as long as I pretend everything is normal and don't react. "Honey, please pass the salt....pardon? No, just roll it around daddy's ball cap."  (because it's only a problem if I make it one).  O.o

• A reading on loneliness gave way to reflection and reassurance knowing that it is normal to be lonely when (if) my husband decides to join AA and that the fact that any and all remaining snippets of family time will be replaced entirely by his attending daily/nightly meetings because becoming dependent on his AA buddies is a necessary part of his recovery and that it is right and good for the program to take priority over family members. (because we are also sick, right?!)

In all seriousness, this last point actually truly scares me.  Not because it necessitates change, but because it promotes the development of a cult mentality.  The fact that we rely on a higher power is not so much an issue with me since I already pray and have faith and all that - (and as you can see, it has helped so much).  It's the whole promoting separation of families thing that is setting off red flags.  I get that we are experiencing the issue AND the recovery process differently, which means we have different needs in order to obtain serenity.  I just don't understand (yet?) how a family is supposed to heal and become a family unit when the focus of the program is to make family members dependent more on their Alanon buddies and the addict dependent on his/her AA buddies.  Aside from the fact that these buddies are supposedly more healthy, how is this idea any different from the addict spending all his time with the drinking buddies rather than his/her own family?  The family is still never going to see him....assuming he's working the program correctly.

Okay, so I think it is probably clear that I am starting off this program on the wrong foot.  Critics may (and probably will - if I ever end up with a readership) chastise me for not giving it a chance, not keeping an open mind, openly criticizing such a wonderful/popular/effective program that has helped millions - if not billions - of people.  That's fine.  Everyone is entitled to their opinions - as long as they are not abusive (name calling) about it.  [remember folks - "I" language is your friend].  My father calls this gathering information to make an informed decision.  Other groups would probably call this apostate behavior.  I don't know.  All I know for sure is that people who are in particularly vulnerable positions due to stress, major change, chaos etc are especially susceptible to being drawn into groups that appear to provide unconditional love and acceptance and will go to extremes to ensure they fit in (ie: do whatever bidding TPTB request or preach).  I. Refuse. To. Be. One.

I said that about one particular religious group and have never lived to regret it (although they may not agree - since it's not this life that we are supposed to be concerned about, right?!)

O.o

Going back to bed now.  Maybe I'll have a revelation of some sort tonight that will put all this into the proper perspective.

Until next time....

Dream Themes and Financial Stress

Last night I slept better.  A bit.  I woke several times but it was easier to fall back to sleep.  I used to have this weird "Tornado" dream that would happen whenever I was stressed.  The variations in each dream would either mirror how I was coping OR... (for those out there who are spiritual, you might understand this better...) what was 'about' to happen.  The most recent tornado dream I had was this past summer in which I was actually in the eye of the storm - everything was quiet, mellow, easy to deal with.  In contrast to ALL the others where several hundred tornado's would be seeking me out and - depending on my state of mind - would either catch me and I'd wake up, or I would be able to seek shelter and watch them go by with only minimal damage.  But the Eye of the Storm one was sooo different....and peaceful. 

I now know what happens after the eye of the storm.

The second wall of chaos.

But anyway - back to the dream theme.  Last night I did not have a tornado dream, even though I was pretty convinced I would.  No, apparantly I have been able to penetrate the theme too easily so my Father in Heaven has decided to try something new.  It is now the AIRPLANE dream.  I am getting sucked into the back engine of a huge jet (this would be so much more powerful if I knew anything about planes) and I can barely hold on. I finally break free from the vacuum but then I have to navigate my way across the tarmac (ok I know a little about planes) beneath the aircraft trying to avoid the wheels that are only inches from me no matter what direction I go.  I DID finally get out....but I had to run really fast, really far in order to feel like I was clear of being stalked by this thing (can you say paranoia???!!). 

I think I liked the tornado dream better.

In other news, I called the lady-who-helps the Bankruptcy Trustee this morning because I found several monthly expenses we have that she didn't ask about (and so, we didn't remember them).  Last Wednesday when we met with her she was REALLY NICE.  Thursday when I spoke to her on the phone she was a bit snippy and clearly trying to get me off the phone (had better things to do?).  Today she reemed me out!! It seems that I was supposed to have told her all this LAST week.  Woulda been nice if she had TOLD us that.

Mrs.W : "Before you call me with those account numbers I need this week, spend some time thinking about what we might have missed because I need to know BY FRIDAY!!"

Would it be THAT hard to say it out loud? I mean, we are not telepathic you know.  It turns out that if we add anything now we can't file on the Tuesday - we would have to wait until the next appointment (which would be end of november).  So it's either wait to file (like I need MORE pergatory stress) or not be allowed to pay for those expenses....which, by the way, were medical related but indirectly (which is why we didn't think of them when she first asked) - transportation to/from psychiatrist (in other town), psychologist appointments...etc.

So I am big time stressed. Again.  Does this ever end????  Maybe next time I will get sucked into the airplane engine!

Mental Bankruptcy

Okay so MOST of today went rather well.  I slept a huge chunk of it away - nothing could go too wrong with THAT particular coping mechanism (unless you count the pigment dye happy face decorating our laminate flooring by my concerned 7 year old).  I tried to get out into the sunshine for a while by suggesting to the girls that a walk to the park would be "so wonderful". Fail.  Too chilly, too far, too boring (the really COOL park requires 4 wheeled transportation in order to access) and too much of an interruption from Webkinz.  I took a shower - twice, because the first time I got all the way out and halfway dry before I realized I actually forgot to wash!! By 4:30 I was calling DH at work hoping he would be coming home soon so I could...I don't really know why, I guess it was just something to do; a way to make contact with someone, ANYONE outside the house.  By 6:00 he was home and I had accomplished washing one sink of half the used cups in the house. I called the pharmacy just before he got home to find out my prescriptions expired 500 days ago, so I have to see the doctor to get a refill.  That figures.

By 7pm I am stop-n-go crying (and scaring the crap out of my DH because he never knows how to deal with me when I'm like this) so I go up to the hospital with the intention of finding some  non-habit forming but effective method of medicinal normalcy.  The doctor on call (who used to be my family doctor 7 years ago) thinks he knows me through some parents group (uhh... not unless you count the 'giving birth' child group).  Part way into my evaluation he declares that in addition to him "hoping" to remember to make a referral for me to the visiting psychiatrist, he will try to call in a prescription to my regular pharmacy tomorrow "if (he) remembers".  2.5 hrs later I am armed with a paper prescription for the same old medications - all of which will take no less than 14 days to make any difference.

Assuming there's anything left to make a difference with.

*sigh*

At the moment I can't really pinpoint  how I feel.  I stare at the screen, scraping out sentence after not-necessarily-connected sentence.  It's as though there is literally nothing going on inside my brain.  It's too tired to make sense of the emotions.  I know it has to be working because otherwise I couldn't be writing this. All I can think is that this must be the mental equivalent of being financially bankrupt - nothing left in the bank and still having to scrounge something up from nothing in order to function at the most basic level.

Tune in (tomorrow?) for the next installment....

New Challenges, New Goals, New Start

SO much has been happening in my life in the last year I can't even begin to think about where I would start.

Writing wise, my life has been less than sensational. I have made a whopping 48.00 (that's being generous) writing content for Suite101, but I have loved every minute of it. In fact, when I started my main goal was just to - well - write. It was kinda cool that I had an opportunity to several cents per article per day, but whether I got paid or not was not my goal. I have gained a lot in ways money can't touch. I have had invaluable training in SEO (search engine optimization) and while I think it takes away from the personal nature of a blog, I know enough that it wouldn't take a lot of effort to re-design my posts to be more search engine friendly. I just don't know that readers would care to have subtitles every 50 or so words throughout the post. Esthetically, it doesn't flow with what my original purpose was for this; which was....

....to blog. Plain and simple.

Though I am not completely opposed. Convince me. :)

Back to my writing escapades - I have done not so much in the way of other freelance work. I just couldn't be bothered with all the stuff going on with my kids - diagnoses and such - and plain ole depression. I AM psyched about the onset of 2009 NaNoWriMo though....already scratching out notes for plot ideas. It's the ONLY thing I'm psyched about writing wise. In fact, today i was granted a leave of absence from Suite101 so I could clear my head and wrap my brain around the changes going on in my life...all I can say is, the associate editor at Suite was ...well.... very 'suite' about it all.

In Other News:

Life on the parenting front - DS12 has just received a dual diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome and ADHD. We suspected attention/focus issues and thankfully our original concern (childhood onset schizophrenia) was put to rest. In researching these disorders I have come to learn that my son may not have been the only one with this. I most definitely could check off the majority of the behaviours/characteristics that accompany Aspergers as applying to me. And it would answer SO MANY questions!! But alas, I'm barely making it by with the bipolar diagnosis - so I think I'll rest easy on the introspection thing for now.

And life on the homemaking front - one word. Bankruptcy. Husband owing hundreds of thousands of dollars in debts has put our household into chaos. So while a lot of people have been 'concerned' that filing would scrap our credit, I ask what is there to lose? We ALREADY HAVE crappy credit. How could bankruptcy make it worse? In fact, I am starting to feel a bit of relief because NOW there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Instead of knowing DH will be garnisheed for 91 years (literally - the bankruptcy calculator function calculated that's how long this would take to pay off at the amount of our current garnishee....which is more than we can afford), we now know that in 9 - 21 months, there will be NO MORE GARNISHEE.

In spite of the moments of relief I feel, I have also gone through a HUGE rollercoaster ride of emotions and reactions since our preliminary meeting....right from relief to suicidal and back to apathy. I just have to hold on and try to remember.....there WILL BE an end; there WILL BE an end....! Like a chant. Or a mantra.

Or a desktop screensaver.

So don't be surprised if for the next while "Musings of a Writing Mother" morphs into "Musings of a Bankrupt Mother".

Tonight's gift from bankruptcy land = upcoming migraine. I think that's it for me tonight. So unless a creditor decides to reposess our power before the official filing (which will be Tuesday coming up) I should be posting again in the next couple of days....or a couple of times within the next day. :)

In companionship....